perfect attendance, 2007.

I know we're dying
and there's no sign of a parachute
we scream in cathedrals
why can't it be beautiful?

<---originally posted mar. 14, 2008--->

I called out of work today, the first day in several years. The last time I was out, Jim's grandmother died. Today, I went to be with my grandmother. Not on a deathbed, but I don't think she would be opposed to the thought. Four broken ribs, various other nearly-ninety maladies. Considering the other folks in the nursing home, she's doing damn well.

We have never really clicked (according to me). In her eyes, we were best friends until I hit puberty and stopped spending summers as her live baby doll.

With this tension I feel in her presence (mostly due to weight "problems" - her problem with mine*) I was wary of visiting her and possibly caring for her in some capacity. Fortunately, when I do visit her now (in the nursing home/rehab center) I feel strangely helpful towards her. Like I'm a caregiver or a nurse, not a grandchild. Or grandadult. Sadly, or even more strangely, I'm not sad. I think about her death in the future, and I just don't feel anything.

And I don't know what not feeling anything makes me feel like.

*I've always been a plump gal, fine, it's how I do. She seriously would send me these awful letters about losing weight, telling me things like I would lose my job over my body. Really. I do feel fortunate that I've never gotten an eating disorder over this crap, so thanks! I always eat, and I keep it down! Yay!*

On a lighter note, I got a sweet Pyrex dish at the Goodwill Super Store in Easton. It's an avocado green promotional print - Zodiac. And what I thought was a random Pyrex lid to fit it is the actual lid that goes with that promo. Seven bucks! Made a crazy day a little nicer.